Red Rag Top......

It’s amazing the things that we remember in life.  Why does one moment in time stick with us so much more than others.  I still remember her name.....I still remember his name.  My roommate and her boyfriend from when I was younger.  She had gotten pregnant and decided to have an abortion.  Another girl and myself went off on our self righteous tangent about how we would never do such a thing. 

This morning in the car (where I have all my life changing thoughts LOL ) a song by Tim McGraw came on.  Red Rag Top....so we did what we did .......the lyrics just finally reached me.  He’s talking about an abortion  At that very moment I thought of her.....I wondered if you really do what you do and try to forget.  I wondered if you ever really do forget.  I think it’s true that if you wonder to much about what might have been you’ll drive yourself crazy. 

I’ve been divorced and remarried.  I have had a child with a man I wasn’t married to.  I tend to walk down memory lane sometimes and wonder what I could have done different.  If I had made a different choice would my daughter know her father.  I didn’t make that choice.....he did.  Now it’s 14 years gone past....and maybe 14 years too late.  Who’s to say but her?

I talked to him last week and he’s still stuck in yester year.  You can’t undo what you have done....you can only begin anew today.  That lesson can’t be taught only realized. 

I’m happy in the life that I’ve been led to.  Not so happy about some of the decisions that I made along the way to get here.  However, Jesus paid for my sins and I try to do the best I know to do. 

Husband, Daughter, Son, Me.......I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Red Rag Top.....Tim McGraw

“So we did what we did and we tried to forget,

And we swore up and down there would be no regrets”

“Well you do what you do

And you pay for your sins

And there’s no such thing as

What might have been

That’s a waste of time

Drive you outta your mind”

More Coffee Please.....

It is too early in the morning to have any thoughts worthy of print.  My significant other hits the floor running when he awakens.  An hour and a half and 2 cups of coffee later I'm still trying to pry my eyelids open.  Trying to get geared up for another day of work and another day of life.  Thank God I have both to get ready for.  In our possible double dip recession I'm blessed to have them.

I try and follow the news when it comes to all this unemployment, recession, stock market falling, etc. but its too much.  I think I'm the average American.  I just want to go to work and earn my check.  What would I do with my day if I didn't have a job to go to?  I don't really know.  I can't give some clique answer that I would enjoy the simple things in life, spend more times with my kids, and work on things I never get to work on.  That's just naive, actually, in my opinion, just dumb.  You can't do anything in life without money and I don't do credit cards. 

I love when the news tries to make something look more horrible then it really it is.  There is a wreck on the major interstate this morning.  A bad wreck.  Two tractor trailers hit each other, caught on fire, and materials are all over the road.  The traffic is flowing behind the news girl and shes like well sometimes it backs up then its fine.  I'll find out in about 45 minutes when I go attack morning rush hour. 

Loving Someone

"And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries."

My rock feels pain and my island has a heart.  The words of Simon and Garfunkel are thought provoking but sad.  I heard this song for the first time on an easy listening radio station the other day.  It made me think of my husband and the relationship that we have.  He is my rock and he carries a heavy load. 

I've been in a fog lately.  Not really sure how to shake it off.  I can feel it lingering there.  Its like something just isn't clicking quite right in my mind.  My thoughts drift and its hard to focus on the task at hand.  Hence the marathon of Family Ties on Netflix today. 

Take a deep breath and try to concentrate.

You Know Me.....

A little over 14 years ago I met the father of my daughter.  Over the years we have talked off and on....most often when I get mad about something and call to figure out exactly what his problem is.  Two days ago was the first time I was actually able to speak like an adult to him.  I was able to put my hurt that I like to carry around on the back burner and be the bigger person.  (That is only by the grace of God). 

He said something to me that has been going over and over in my head.  "You know me "my name here".  That totally just threw me.  "No, I don't know you" was my response.  "You were a boy I knew 14 years ago and I'm not the same girl you knew".

It baffles me how some people stand still while others move forward.  We are both in our mid thirties.  I have had 3 careers, finished my degree, almost finished a Masters degree, been married, divorced, remarried and had three kids.  He still lives at home with his parents and has had multiple jobs here and there. 

I think we as women are forced to either move forward and make the best of things or sit still, struggle, and collect hand outs.  I chose to move forward. 

A Plan

Does anyone plan ahead anymore?  If you were to pass tomorrow would your family be provided for?  Would you have a plan for how you would want your family taken care of?

In our family the two monarchs from both sides have severe health issues.  One suffers from a brain injury and the other from a lifetime disease that impairs mobility.  The men are the providers and the primary care takers of these women.  If something were to happen to either of the patriarchs is there a plan?  This is the discussion my significant other decided to have at 6am this morning

We both come from blue collar working families.  Neither one of our families were prepared.  When my mom had her accident her livelihood was taken.  She will never be able to go back to work.  My significant other’s father lost his retirement when the company he had worked for went belly up.  I think the very thought of such a thing happening to us would send Mr. Over Planning into a full blown anxiety attack. 

So, how does someone like me who plans for nothing and lives in the moment compensate for that lacking behavior?  Answer:  Cognitive thinking and classical conditioning.  There is no known cure.    

I think about planning for the future.  I want to retire, travel, spend time with my kids, and the other stuff in life.  However, the discipline it takes to put a plan in place and then stick to it fails me.  If you want something in life you can’t only dream about it you have to plan for it.  If I want to travel to England I don’t just hop on a plane and take off.  I need money, passport, a place to stay, etc.  The days of youth and spontaneity have come and gone.  I find that humorous.  When we are teenagers and don’t have a care in the world we want to hurry up and grow up.  I so wish that someone would have told me how fast it passes by.  I wish that someone would have taken the time to help me develop a plan. 

I think about that, right now, at this moment.  I never had anyone help me develop a plan for my life.  My parents used to say go to college but they never helped me figure out how to get there.  All they said is “do something with your life”.  I was 17 years old.  How in the hell was I supposed to know what to do with my life.  AHHHHHH...... the angels are singing in unison.  It only took me 18 years to come to that realization.

My co-worker says that he was a self starter.  His parents always encouraged him to go to college but he planned his path.  However, his sister didn’t have that drive and the parents had to help carry her along the way.  Who knows?   

A Simple Day

So simple this day was.  A little boy admiring his grandfather's work at lighting and blowing up fireworks.  It wasn’t even the fourth of July or New Year’s.  Just a random day during a routine visit.  My son and daughter do not have the joys of grandparents that live close by as I did as a child.  One set is 16 hours away and the other 12 hours.  The monarchs of the family both have health issues that makes travel for them difficult or impossible. 

My husband and I both have the joys of full time demanding jobs.  It leaves little time for spontaneous, hell, even planned out, romps across the country.  When we do get to “go home” five days gets two years worth of activity squeezed in.

When I was growing up my Great Grandparents lived “across” the garden.  They were my primary caretakers while mom worked and dad was off with the military somewhere.  Every day, after an hour plus ride on the big yellow cheese, I would make my way to my great grandmother’s kitchen.  There we were offered biscuits butter and sugar, little Debbie snacks, fresh strawberries out of the garden, or a variety of other bad for your teeth stuff. 

I think back to those moments sometimes and wish I could recapture them.  I wish I could get up at 6am, throw some clothes on, and run across that garden to see what the day would hold.  Magic.....

Blog Worthy ?

What makes something blog worthy?  A random thought, a station or position?  What makes one person's thoughts so much more interesting that it would bring about a blog, a following, fame or fortune?  For example, the lady who blogs about American Idol.  She was then brought onto a television network to provide commentary about American Idol.  What makes her opinion of Idol so much more important then others?  Is she educated in music theory, performance? Or has she just built up a following because enough random people came across her blog and said, "Ok, I like what she has to say, makes sense".  Let me follow her so I can see whats up?  If it were that easy everyone would blog, everyone would have a following, and everyone would benefit.  Hmmmm?

I get my best ideas riding in my car thinking randomly about different things?  This morning I am thinking about the girl off House Wives of New Jersey who says she wants to be Carrie from Sex and the City.  She wants an apartment, someone to buy her a car, and to finance her lifestyle.  Does this girl fail to realize that Carrie Bradshaw had a JOB!  A glamorous job in the minds of many! 

What makes me think of the girl from Jersey?  Don't know.

What else did I think about this morning?  I thought about how I am educated but not overly educated.  I thought about how in my household my thirteen year old still thinks Disney rules.  Thank god!  And how my six year old son knows all the words to "run tell that homeboy homeboy".  How my husband likes to talk in a jacked up English accent "Bollocks!" because of the Ramsey Nightmare Kitchen (?) show on Netflix.  We are definitely a unique group.

I have also been thinking about relationships and why we do the things that we do.  Why do some people choose to be confrontational and some people don't?  How it doesn't always have to be confrontation.  Just because two people have a discussion about their feelings or thoughts about a situation that transpired does not make it a confrontation. 

So, those are my thoughts.  Where will they go from here?